Two friends posted links to posts on The Huffington Post on Facebook recently. The first was Don't Carpe Diem. Most of the time I don't take/find the time to read links, but this one piqued my interest. It's not too long so you may want to read it before you read my comments, as they'll probably make more sense. =)
I can relate to the author. There are many times when I'm out that older women will tell me how precious and fleeting these moments are and to cherish every second with my children. I feel the author summed it up pretty well when she said:
I know that this message is right and good. But, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn't work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life - while I'm raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I'm not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I'm doing something wrong.
So true! I, too, feel like I must be doing something wrong. Do I not look like I'm cherishing the moment? Is there something about the way I'm talking with my children that gives the message - Man, I can't wait for the kids to move out? Because, truly that is not how I feel.
As one who had a difficult time both conceiving and holding on to pregnancies, this message, though usually expressed very tenderly by women who add that they miss those days or envy where I am in life, is often said, I think, a bit tritely and that is when it comes more like a slap in the face. Like "Wake-up, woman, you're missing this!" I swear I'm not! I really do try to do as much with my children as I possibly can. That's also the reason I blog. I don't want to forget these precious times and I want to be able to share them with my children when they're old enough to look back and laugh and say, "Oh, Mom, I can't believe you posted that about me!"
The first comment on my friend's Facebook post (which has since been removed) was written by another friend of hers who has suffered multiple miscarriages and had a different take on the article. To her, it sounded more like the woman was complaining about the struggles of motherhood. I can see where she was coming from. I've been there too. And to this day it still bothers me when women don't appreciate the gift they have been given to be able to bear children. It seems that the easier this is for some women, the less they appreciate it. Please don't misunderstand, I don't mean that every woman who can get pregnant and give birth without a struggle merely takes motherhood for granted. I would guess that most cherish their children, love their children and honestly do try to seize the day with them on a daily basis. On the other hand, I have also witnessed women who don't seem to realize what they have been given. What a choice - and fleeting! - experience it is to be a mother of young children. I want to cry for the children who are yelled at for doing things that all children do. Children have to learn and they do this by experimenting. Yelling at a child for coloring on the wall, for example. No, I don't encourage it in my own home, but I do allow for the learning. You've done it once, you help me clean it and we discuss that that is not something we do. You do it again, you clean it by yourself and maybe you get a time-out to help you remember that this is not something we do. I also cry for the mother doing the yelling and I honestly do feel like telling her, "Wake-up, woman, you're missing this!"
I feel so lucky and so honored to have some of the greatest examples of patience and teaching in my life. I'm fairly certain I blogged it way back when, but a friend of mine once taught me the greatest lesson on the difference being acting and reacting.
We were with two couples, both mutual friends, one of which had a son turning 16. The other couple, like us, had yet to begin their family. Well, the other couple was a little more financially stable than we were at the time and gave the boy $50 for his birthday, to be used on his first date. The husband of this couple went on to stress the importance of being careful in date selection...you marry who you date... I'm pretty sure four of us were in shock. His wife is a fabulous woman, what was he talking about? All eight of our eyes turned to her to see if she was going to smack him or yell at him and stomp out of the room. Instead, she was laughing so hard she could barely stay seated. Instead of being insulted, she saw from his point of view and thought it hilarious that her husband was completely oblivious to what he was implying. We all had a great laugh. No tension. No hurt feelings. Ever since that night, I have often asked myself, How would Breezy respond to this?
I am now proud to say that there are at least two occasions I can think of off the top of my head where my normal instincts to get mad and start yelling were overridden by a better response and many of us were much happier afterward. Often, I think many of us, myself included, react and later regret our responses when keeping our cool, taking a picture and documenting on the blog for later blackmail (☺) would work much better.
I am not perfect in any way. Nor claiming to be. Just trying to share what others have shared with me that I feel has helped me become a better person.
Another woman who has influenced my life greatly is the mother of one of my closest friends. None of her children have ever wanted to move away from the city in which their mother lives. (Not live with her! Although her cooking has made me want to move in!) Not because she has created a dependence upon herself, but because the way she raised them helped them to grow and respect her and love her. She is an amazing woman. I hope my children have such a love and respect for me someday.
There are many women who have influenced me in many ways, including my own mother and now my mother-in-law, and I thank you for that. For teaching me by your example.
Currently, I am the Relief Society pianist at church. About two months ago, one Sunday, Timmy was having a particularly rough time. When it was time for the closing hymn, I handed him to the friend he usually sits with and turned to play the short hymn, figuring he would be okay for a minute or two. Apparently not by the pitiable aahs that went through the room. Another woman stood up and told me, "I'll take care of the piano. You go take care of him." Bless her. Timmy is a mama's boy 99.9%. James will attest.
After church, I ran into this woman again in private. Her children are grown and gone but she's not the sentimental baby-hungry-for-life type. As we talked, she asked about Timmy's prognosis. Really, it's very good. He may need speech therapy for a while, but that seems so trivial compared to other things that could have gone wrong. She then told me she felt sorry for him. And for me. She felt sorry for us both.
I've thought about that a lot since. Why does she feel sorry for me? I can see why she would have felt that way in the past when we were worried about losing Timmy, when he was in the hospital undergoing surgeries, but now? Because he has a trach? I do feel sorry for what Timmy has been through, but he is so strong and so resilient, I don't see him feeling sorry for himself. I really don't feel sorry for myself either. On the contrary, I feel that, although my pregnancy with him and his first months of life were far from ideal, they were an amazing experience. At the time, it was an exhausting emotional roller coaster from the land of fire and brimstone, but now, knowing that our story has a happy ending, I can look back and treasure the happy parts of having a baby in the NICU - the knowledge gained, the friends made and especially the special bond forged in the wee hours of the morning, holding my precious son, pleading with every fiber of my being to be able to take him home and being granted that blessing. No, no one needs to feel sorry for me. Definitely not jealous either. But that is a period of my life where I feel like we definitely seized the day.
The second post of the two I mentioned at the top was entitled My Secret Grief. It is written by a woman who recently entered her 40s and shares the grief she experienced at passing the age of 35, into the realm of advanced maternal age. Though I have not personally gone through this, I have single friends. Many of whom would give almost anything to be married with children. I grieve for them. I grieve with them for the children they were not given the opportunity to bear. The opportunity they have never had to hold a child of their own.
But I also marvel at these women. So many have been able to continue on with their lives, furthering their education, finding satisfying and rewarding careers, traveling near and far at their leisure. Although life hasn't made them parents, life has still presented many opportunities for marvelous experiences and they have seized the opportunities! There are definitely things women who do have children cannot do that women who have no parental responsibility can. And my heart leaps for joy when I hear the things that my friends who haven't met Mr. Right yet are doing.
It wasn't so much the article that struck me - as well written as it is - but the comments that were made after. People commenting that if the author really wanted kids, she should just adopt or go to a fertility clinic. Apparently her wanting to wait until she found the perfect man makes her picky and not truly wanting to have children. I wish I could slap some of those people. Are they kidding? Being a parent is a hard enough job with two people. Volunteering to be a single parent is something I cannot fathom. When I have been on my own with the kids for a few days, I'm completely exhausted. And when I'm completely exhausted, I'm not a very nice mom. And when I'm not a very nice mom, nobody's happy around here. I don't feel like playing with my kids, I snap easier, we don't go anywhere... I can't imagine any woman out there who can hold down a full-time job to support herself and her child and be a full-time mom and not wish they had a little help.
I believe there is documented research that children raised by both parents have an advantage in that they see both parental roles. They learn how spouses work together. How they treat each other. And by having two parents, it's easier to "take turns" with the kids when a parent is sick or exhausted from other demands. I don't think this woman doesn't want to have children, I think she wants the best for her children. And she wants the joy that can come from a happy marriage as well. I think that's what all women want and I wish that every woman could find that.
My heart and best wishes to those out there who are looking. And to those who are no longer looking, may you continue to find peace and happiness in all your endeavors!
1 comment:
Well said, friend. Well said.
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